I hate people who don't understand the freedom of expression or even what the definition of opinion is. Thank you.


That is all.

Wow, ok. I just witnessed weird things on my youtube account recently. I have a cover of a Wonder Girls song up there called "Saying I love you." I recorded it back in October or whatever and it only had 300 views a week ago. Now it's up to 1,080?! WHAT IS GOING ON!! The first thing I suspected that there was someone linking to my video or something, but I couldn't find anything. Or that there was an impostor (I forget the word at the moment when someone tries to be you...maybe thats it or maybe not.) Anyway, I know you guys really don't check out my channel or anything, but if you could do me a favor and keep on the look out for impostors. I would really hate it if someone got credit for my work. If you do find someone or something then please, spam them until they close their accounts or their websites. Also, if you find any media related stories, link me up to them. I do have several audition pieces up there so it's possible these companies link media companies to videos and stuff. The way to spot an impostor is to know where I post my material so if you see it somewhere I don't post, then it's a fakerrr~
The places I post my work are soompi.com/forums , asteria-intl forums, livejournal.com/anime_karaoke, BoAjjang.com/forums and occasionally voice acting alliance forums.

Yeah, I'm paranoid. I just think its strange that my views could jump so drastically within a week when that video has been up there for MONTHS.

I hope you all are doing well.

동방신기 "Summer Dream" came up on shuffle. I thought it was worth the mention since it's pretty darn cold out today. It's making me nostalgic.

So I made a voice post, but it was about half of what I wanted to say. As I was trying to say before I got disconnected from the service, money has always been the issue since I've come to B'ton. They don't give me any aid (as many of you know) and they recently revoked my work-study status, which doesn't make any sense and so I'm paying the full tuition price you see on the website. So due to the economic crisis that is going on, my mom thinks that I should go to a cheaper school. Now, notice the words I'm using to describe this. Cheaper school. Not another school, but a cheaper one. Meaning, public school with thousands and thousands of students in one lecture hall, with no faculty to recognize you as an actual person with dreams. Rather you are just that paper you hand in with the stripped printer ink. There are no other private schools that are really cheaper than Bennington, although, maybe there are some other schools that could give me some more money by giving me a grant or something. I'm not sure. But, I feel as though I'm stuck in a black hole in part of the distant universe, circling around and around faster than the speed of light and sound and going nowhere at all. I feel like I can't escape this fate I'm headed for.

When will something change for me? I hope that it will be tomorrow. I just want to wake up to that one day where my life will be everything I've wanted it to be and I can wake up and see the rising sun of the east and find my place in that sunlight and catch my sunlight and hold onto it forever.

omfg. omfg. omfg.

plan essay. not happening.

how can the road seem so beautiful, yet so unsightly. how can it all make sense in my mind, yet not when i speak about it. dreams and hopes of becoming something that i've always wanted to be seem so far away when i have to declare them here and now. why is it so hard for me to write it down? i'm a failure and i always will be. i'm just not...talented. i'm not gifted in any way, shape, or form. i have the drive to sing songs in korean and japanese, well, what the fuck am i thinking? it sounds so cool in my head, but damn it, when i say it, it's all nonsense. i get fucking laughed at and i laugh at myself. i've told people before that i can't explain why i like jpop and kpop music, because asking me that question is like asking me why i breathe air. I don't know, I just do. it's like the same thing when it comes to singing in korean and japanese. i don't know why...i just do, and it feels right. music is universal, so why must we make boundaries around it all when there is so much of it to share? and who says you can't like music in a different language because you don't understand it. well, fuck you. because even if you don't understand all of the language, you can still enjoy it, because its music. there are so many elements to a piece of music - the rhythm, the instruments, voice quality... also, what you get out of it is up to you. you can interpret the music through the way the artist performs and through their gestures you can make educated assumptions as to what it means, and relate it all back to yourself. See, for me, it's a little different because i do understand parts of the music i listen to, thanks to my studies in Japanese and Korean, but I can tell you that you can still listen to something you don't really understand and still enjoy it. just open your mind a little bit. be a little uncomfortable once in awhile. if you never are, then your just living between the boundaries.

omg. i just ranted. fuck this.

I did a live recording of ayaka's 手をつなごう when I was up in Jennings music building practicing for my JYP audition. ^-^ It's here on youtube. It's only a short version. I'm not sure if I'm planning on doing a full length recording of the song. I just wanted to sing it is all~
I hope you enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syMQTezVGgM

Please leave a comment if you have time.

Omg. Finally. I got someone to rap for me~ <3 I was about to whip out my non existant rapping skills and just do it myself, but omg, this girl is incredible~~ her pronunciation is perfect~~ i love her. Listen to us~

http://www.sendspace.com/file/9gz8mh

I'm waiting to get her permission before I make a video and post it on youtube.

Wahh. I love it. In other news, I did upload a video of my cover of "under the same sky" so go watch.

http://www.youtube.com/rariimnida

Hey, I can't respond to some of your messages because you disabled non-friends to not be able to send you messages. If you haven't gotten a reply from me, well, thats why. Please change your settings so I can respond accordingly. Thanks

Everything is nothing without you.

I can't go on. Really. I want to die with you. I would die knowing I could be with you. I can't go through this anymore. I knew as soon as I would go back to school something would happen. The moment I left her side...the moment I let go of her hand...I knew. Julie hated Bennington. I do too. I know why she hated it now. Everything was planned. I should've known not to go there. I can't go back...that place...not there...I need to get out.

A small family has become smaller, the most special link to it is now missing. How coud this be? Everything was supposed to be fine. I can't come to terms with it and I don't think I ever will. I can't do anything anymore...
I can't eat Japanese food, go to a book store, go clothes shopping, get my nails done, sing or play videogames if its without Julie. None of it is possible.
Where is she? What is death like? Which one is more scary...the uncertainty of life or the certainty of death. You would think the one you know that is certain would be the less terrifying, but its the opposite. Why is that?
Julie didn't want to die. Her body did. Julie was never one with her body. She never agreed with it and it never agreed with her. But SHE was different because of that. She never wanted to give up, I know she was fighting. But what made her lose? It was not her time.
This is the girl I grew up with. Who hated my guts when we were little, but I always wanted to be just like her. No one can love her like I do. She is my only sister...nothing can replace that. But how am I supposed to move on without her? The answer is simple...I can't. I can't unless I'm with her.

I talked to my mom today. So it seems Bennington has raised the tuiton up. 10%. So lets see. 10% plus the 46,000 or so it costs raises it up $5,000 more than the original 46,000. So what is the grand total? $51,000 a school year~! Admittedly, spending about 40 grand a year didn't really bother me nearly as much as 50 does. This is ridiculous. How can the school get away with something like this?! I just found a scholarship I could actually do that gives $1,000, but that would not even cover the financial burden this school brings down on my bank account.
I like school and I'm really enjoying my time here this term, but in the scheme of things, it's not looking so bright and dandy. It was a total damper on my day. the fact and figures are posted on the school website and they are not pretty. Hoohaa.

I thought I remembered Yoshida sensei saying something about how you can spend up to two years studying at another school? Which would be...very nice. Maybe I could divide the two years by doing the program I found in Korea at Kyunghee in Seoul and then do a year in Japan at Kansai Gaidai or another university (i'm not really sure of the other schools, I've only heard of Kansai Gaidai through Hekechan~ and she seemed to have had a good time.)
I told my mom about it, she seemed pretty ok about it. But she also asked me "Why would you want to go so far away when all you want to do is come home all the time?" And I told her "BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO GO THARRR~~ There are things to DO THARRR~~" <3 Holy crap.

All I want to do is sing. sing sing sing sing sing. That's it. I've ALWAYS wanted to just sing. And unfortunatley I don't think JYP will give me an opportunity to do that because hearing the stories from the LA auditions, it seems they have pretty much made up their minds as far as who they want to take on as a trainee. I need to learn more Korean, so the next time I audition for another Korean entertainment company, I can suprise them with mad Korean skillz.. <3 w00t. I will work harder for the sake of trying for my dreams. For god sakes, if Leah Dizon can top the Oricon charts with her untalented butt then I can too!

By the way. Soundclick:

www.soundclick.com/xreinex

Yeah.

Please. Help me.

I'm in a stupid mood.

I'm PMSing and other things.

I'm getting cramps too.

FUCKNAY!

I really want to hug pre-debut Kyuhyun...
http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b78/ganbatte_uchi/predebut/kyu/predebut_kyuhyun_17.jpg
HAHA! Someone is trying to fork is hot face! >;D
But god he looks so good in a shirt and tire....TIE! ><;; I'm really retarded.

By the way, did you guys know that Koreans have been using spoons for practically ever?? They are the only asian culture who DON'T use chopsticks to eat rice! They use SPOONS! (yes, Julie, they use you, because your SPOON.) They use chopsticks to eat the sidedishes though. I just thought you oughta know..

Ok. I'm probably just too sensitive for my own good...to the point where I hurt myself. I know that Nari has the right to have other friends...I have no problem with that. But, when she shares something that I thought was what made our friendship special with this other group of people, it really makes me feel very insignificant.
I'm really an idiot..
So this is what happened. Nari came into Gen and Allie's room while we were watching Arrested development like we do every Friday and she sat down with us for about 5 minutes before Leah came in and took her into her and Ruth's room. She was gone until we finished watching the show. I noticed Nari left her stuff in the room, so I went to go to Leah's room to bring her stuff to her before I left. When I went up to the door, I heard them playing JYP's Kiss and she was explaining to them about how popular he was in Korea, just like she had explained to me when I first told her I was going to audition for him. I mean, I don't know why I'm upset. It all seems really dumb. But, I don't think they really care about her and what she goes through, her first language, her culture, her family, everything that makes her Nari. I thought we were shared something unique and special, between us. I don't know. I'm really pathetic. She's her own person and is allowed to make decisions, there is no reason for me to judge or tell her something is wrong. It's not...

Ew. I hate this. I'm such a bitch.

Ahh! Today was awesome. Kind of a hectic and clumsy day for me, considering I tripped up the stairs twice! Once coming back from the audition in the subway station and once going up the stairs from Hamilton. ><; Omg. like...klutz. Anyway. So the audition was worse and better than I expected all at the same time. I thought it would be like 600 people, but there were like a little less than 200, which was still alot, since they were all like...Korean. Except for me, a black girl and another white girl. Haha, talk about multiculturalism.
So, it all began when I took the train to Penn Station to meet Nari in the Borders, but we ended up meeting the Penn because we needed to take the 1 train to get to the 7 to go to Flushing. We were only on the 1 train for one stop and then we headed on the 7, all the way to Flushing. It was a nice ride because as you get out of Manhattan, the train comes above ground. So it was nice and scenic...(with factories.) xD So we got to Flushing and really had no idea of where we were going. We were expecting to be able to find a taxi, but there are no taxi's in Flushing apparently. ><; Flushing isn't Manhattan!! I really liked it though, everything was Korean there. Every other restaurant was Korean and there were many Korean people and it was fun! But, the place was like...7 QUEENS blocks away from the subway station. Now, Queens blocks are like the blocks in Maplewood or something, maybe those are even shorter than the ones Nari and I had to walk. But it basically took us 20 minutes to get to the KoreaCenter. It was very nice, like a mall. The auditions were being held downstairs so we had to walk down the stairs and as soon as we did there were just a TON of Korean girls and boys (I'd say it was pretty even....the boys were all GORGEOUS by the way, I was like omg.. <3 waahh!) but at the same time, it was very intimidating. Even though the staff members could speak English and everything, alot of what they were conducting was in Korean, so I was like 'Huh?....Nari...what are they saying?' But yeah. So, it was a disorganized mess pretty much. First we wanted to ask a staff member where we should go and where I should hand in my application and the lady looked at me and she was confused thinking it was only an audition for Asians. I mean, primarily, yes, they would be the target, but the application was in Korean AND in English and there wasn't any rule, so she couldn't object. I felt a bit funny after that, but its ok. She told us to walk into the hot stinky room where they would collect applications and give out numbers. Well, we had to push to get a number and my number ended up being 123. ><; Which wasn't realy fair because I sent in my application online and people who sent in their applications early should've been able to audition first. We pointed this out to the same lady we asked before and she was under the impression they were doing it that way, but they weren't~~ so then we told her about how we had to leave to catch the train and guess what? She let me slip in front of number 18. =D I got to audition before a ton of people~ <3 Haha. If it weren't for Nari and her utterly awesome Korean skills and pushy ness, I would've given up and not auditioned. But I auditioned and I was comfortable. JYP wasn't there himself (;__;) but there was a guy there and two camera people. Unfortunately they would've let me got to the pretty part of the song that goes up to the higher notes, but I did get to the belty part, which I guess was fine. *sigh* So, I did it. They gave me less than a minute though. More like 30 seconds. So I guess we will see what happens. I'm not overly confident or anything. I'm sure there were plenty of talented dancers, models and gosh were alot of the girls gorgeous. But like I said, we'll see. Even if I don't get this, I'm going to keep trying. =)

Omg. So here I am. Back at school and actually getting into a "rhythm." Took long enough right? I'm really being challenged. Lots of reading, haven't had to live up to the demand in awhile. Things are much better now. Especially with Kaitee. I'm so thankful I have her. We like to make rice and sprinkle nori seasoning on top of it. Yummmmmmmm~~ I like seaweed. It makes me want to eat miso soup and have some actual SUSHI (which I like, never eat.) UGHH~~ I want some freaking seaweed! ><;
I really want Korean food too. I can't choose! I like both alot. Both are very different, but equally delicious. Or おいしい！！Or 맛있!!

Regardless that things are relatively smooth academically, my social life is suffering. I feel like I have lost a connection with the people I considered friends last semester. I don't really know why. I feel much more reserved around people. Everytime I open my mouth I say something stupid, so I don't say anything at all. I lose myself in crowd situations now...I'm not me. I feel intimidated by all the people flaunting their social status (I missed this before..) and the talk of money never ends around here. Everyone talks about how they have nothing and yet, come here. I'm not saying everyone at the school is financially well off, I'm only pointing it out because I realized this about some of the people I was close with last semester. I feel like alot of my relationships here are depleting and have suffered a large blow, especially over FWT. I don't know if I can actually say I'm really CLOSE with anyone other than Kaitee. I don't know. I try to be positive, open and happy, but then I say something dumb and everyone is like WHAA? O_O;

I suck. hard. in the face.

I love snow and Barack Obama!

I twisted my ankle while I was running. It's not a terrible pain and it's not swollen, it just feel sore, you know? The funny thing is that I did this about 2 days ago and it's only starting to act up now.

I've been trying to find the lyrics to the other song I want to sing for the audition and I found them a few days ago and now I can't find them anymore! WTH? What gives. Maybe I'll just have to record by ear or something. I've been practicing alot more lately and I've started researching up on pronunciation so hopefully I will get better since I'm not that great right now.

Also, news in the education department. If I don't pass the JYP audition in March, then I will look into going to Korea to study the language. I was recommended to look at the Ministry of Education, Korea scholarship by that Professor I emailed and they will cover almost EVERYTHING for 4 years of an education. *o* They pay for your plane ticket, half of the tuition and they give you 750,000 won a month for living expenses. Like, holy shit. I'm going to freakin' Korea! And my mom can't say no because its all practically paid for! Dude, so amazing.

I miss everyone. I have a full week at Abrams since its my last week. So I'm kind of sad. I have an essay I have to write before the 22nd about my FWT, but it shouldn't be that hard and I'm feeling much more refreshed about school. I feel like I'm finally ready to be educated again. Before, I was so burnt out and I couldn't process anything. I still think I have a minor case of ADD sometimes but whatever. Not much I can do about it. Buhh.. I'm not ready to go back to school yet. Even though, I'm going to be more academically prepared to take on the challenges, I'm not physically or emotionally ready to go back. Like, Jennipaa said in her LJ entry, I like the life I have here. I like being close to NYC, I like being close to 3 different malls, I like my microphone<3 alot and yeah, I love my family. Buhh.

I'm getting sleeping and katamari is fun! Prince is so cute!~

I fail. I totally butchered the Korean in this song I recorded in 5 minutes. ><; So please forgive me for anyone who can understand Korean. I'm also kindof pissed off with how the last line came out. WTH? I like slid. Ahh~ Mr. Holmes haunts me. Anyway, I was thinking about doing this song for my audition, but I wanted your opinions. I'm still thinking about other songs, so I will make more 5 minutes recordings of the others when I get some time. I need your help!
http://media.putfile.com/Reke---0-democover
(I would totally put this on soundclick, but I don't want those people over there to hear it since it's so roughly sung, mixed and everything else. Ughh)

I'm stupid. I've been using my sister's towle to dry my face & hands. She's sick, remember? I'm not going to be able to go to that audition. I'm going to be sick and I won't be able to practice for it even if I can make it. I already feel soreness in my throat. I can't believe this. FUCK


Remember creepy intern guy? Well, he's not so creepy anymore. He helped me...with that big project and he said some really nice things to me today. Like, "You shouldn't be doing stuff like this, especially if your not even being compensated for the work you do." He's right. I should be getting paid for what I do. I mean, even if they just offered to give me money for goddamn LUNCH that would be fine. Just SOMETHING. I think I may have misjudged him. He's really nice. I'm more than a quarter of the way done with it now, and it's all thanks to that dude.

I found something today. Kind of came to realization of some sorts, just taking my time to think my life and direction through. I know some of you may be alittle bit upset with what I'm about to say, but I'm about to burst.

I'm going to go for an audition for a Korean entertainment label called, JYP. They will be in NYC on March 3rd and they are open auditions. I just have to fill out a form and all that good stuff. So I have a month to perfect a minute of a Korean song for my audition. If I get this...like a contract or even some sort of recognition from this, then I'm going to take it on full force. Of course, if I don't. I will keep trying, with other labels. I'm going to start auditioning and I'm going to keep practicing until I get my break, whenever that is. I'm ready.

Usually, these labels will help you with paying for your education as well (I know SM does) so that would be great as well. I just hope I can make it..somewhere..someday. But I'm starting now. I don't want to regret not pursuing this.

Anyway, my full week of work last week was absolutley awful. It was so bad on friday that I cried on the way home. I'll break down my Friday for you--

10:25- walk into office.
10:45- JJ gives me an assignment to go through his booking slips he hasn't organized from over a year and a half ago to the present.
1:30 - leave after tedious work for lunch with Nari -- we went to get Korean food. ^^ Yum
3:00 - return to the office, continue to work
5:00- JJ leaves and tells me how much this means to him that I'm doing this.
5:45- start to pack up the slips and organize what is done into their own paperclips.
5:50- leave.
5:52- can't find umbrella.
5:53- take a broken umbrella.
5:56- stumble into puddles, umbrella breaks in the wind.
6:07- train is late...call for boarding for the 6:03 train to trenton on track 11.
6:11- realize i got on a local train instead of an express.
7:15- cry from the frustrating circumstances.
7:45- hop in the car.
8:25- arrive home.

It was awful. =.=; After 8 hours of work, only a QUARTER of what is supposed to be organized is done. I hope tomorrow I can make some progress with it and at least get it mostly done, if not all done? Please please please.. ><"

I'm so happy the Giants won!!